What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 01:53
I waited trembling.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She was in good health!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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This is soul school!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
What did i know ?
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was seconnd youngest,
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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I have no regrets .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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Im still living with it.
All the time i was locked up.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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It was going to be , some day.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Who then, do I blame.?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was scared of men, in general
One cannot live in the past .
I will be 64.
My life is so biszare .
Ive learnt so much.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But, we were locked up after school.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She wouldn,t have been !
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
(And it was in our own minds.)
She married twice! .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I write beautiful poetry .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We all went to grammer schools
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I don,t even have a pension.
Would this be the day?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But it wasn’t much.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Comes on , in middle age.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My family never makes their pension either.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She loved him until the end.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And i lived it daily.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He knew the spot.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I said to her
Put me off passion for life!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We were not on the streets..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
When she asked me how she looked .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She found it foreign!.
I was 9 years of age.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was very sick at this time too.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So whats the point in blame.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Especially a lifetime of it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I could never make a relationship work though!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
So, i spoilt her more .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.